That silly phrase kinda sums up where I am at emotionally right now. I think I am being overwhelmed with emotions for a variety of reasons, but I like to think it's just 5 months of PMS that never happened that are demanding an outlet! :-) So, if you keep reading, bear in mind that this is an emotional blog entry, it may not make any sense at all to you, but it's where I am right now (give me 15 minutes, I might be somewhere else!).
I *love* being pregnant, feeling baby move (which almost feels like it's constant sometimes) is so incredible. I fear that I will forget what this feels like and I never want to. I want to cherish this forever. I like the way my skin looks and that I am eating healthier than I have ever eaten in my life. It feels good to put real nutrition into me and know that I am giving our baby everything it needs to grow properly, healthy and strong. I feel powerful knowing that we are planning a birth without drugs or interventions.
I looked down yesterday as I was standing in line at the grocery store, and for the first time in memory, my stomach stuck out farther than my chest AND my shoes. I LOOKED DOWN AND COULD NOT SEE MY SHOES while I was standing still. It freaks me out and scares me. I have battled the demons of self image and emotional eating my whole life. At my heaviest (I can't believe that I am about to write this...) I weighed 198 pounds. At 5'5" that is not healthy or even "chunky," that's obese. I battled and lost weight and struggled for a long time to keep it in a healthy range which varied by about 15 pounds. Even at 198 I am pretty sure I could see my feet. At the start of this pregnancy I lost 11 pounds due to the pregnancy and fibroid dietary restrictions. Basically, I was eating MUCH healthier and seeing the results. I ate (and pretty much still do) 7-9 times a day. I have gained some weight (as a pregnant woman should do) and at 23 weeks now, (over 5 months) I have gained a total of 6 pounds(not even all of the weight I lost at the beginning). So when I look down, my head knows that it's not fat I am seeing, but still, it freaks me out. I worry about what the hubby thinks about this changing body. Don't even suggest that I ask him. Really?!? Do you see any man in his right mind telling a pregnant, emotional wife "Um honey, you really do look like a beached whale." I don't think so. Besides, K is very gentle with my emotions and would say something kind...but then the voice in my head says "ya, but is that what he really thinks, or does he just know what to say to make you happy?" See my dilemma?
Last nite I was thirsty. But I am so sick of water, herbal tea and protein drinks. That's all I drink. That's pretty much all I can drink or should drink. NONE of it sounded appealing to me. I don't know what does sound good, or what else I would drink if I wasn't pregnant (ok, maybe a glass of red wine!). I am just sick of water, tea and protein. And eggs. 2 eggs a day for nearly every day of this pregnancy. They start to loose their appeal no matter how many ways I try to prepare them. But, baby needs them.
I am tired too, just emotionally worn and on the verge of tears for 2 days now. And this is the best I can do to try to verbalize or identify it. There is so much more "there" but I am not sure how to wrap it into words.
Deep breath.....exhale....deep breath.....exhale. If you get a chance could you pray for peace for me please?
5 comments:
I'm praying for you, Mellissa!!! I have a little something I'm going to send to you via email...
Prayers for peace being said. And just from my experience, the hubby never thought I was more attractive than when I was carrying our unborn children. Remember that you are beautiful to God NO MATTER WHAT. Prayers for you to embrace and enjoy and savor all the changes you are going through physically, emotionally, spiritually, and know that you are so loved!
Praying for peace of mind - all those hormones can really do an emotional number on you, just know you are not alone in this struggle.
Your are beautiful Mellissa! When I saw your picture on Tina's blog recently I thought you looked amazing! You look great on the outside, but what really struck me in the picture were your eyes and smile. I could tell that you are really happy. I'm praying that the "pathetic" feelings drop away and the "with joy" feelings shine through for you. I could see your joy in the picture and that is what I remembered. Focus on the joy in your life and I'm sure those negative feelings will disappear.
PS. I'm sure you were not trying to be funny, but you made me laugh because every woman, including myself, has had similar thoughts. You are not alone!
Thank you all for your prayers and uplifting words. You are all such a blessing to me!
Post a Comment